


The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up: The Adventures of Peter Han and Tinker Lix

by daughterofthesky



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bedtime Stories, Best Friends, Childhood, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Cliche, Crush at First Sight, Dreams vs. Reality, Extended Metaphors, Falling In Love, First Crush, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Foreshadowing, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Friendzone, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix are Best Friends, Hide and Seek, Innocence, Late Night Conversations, Loss of Innocence, Lost Boys, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Metaphors, Neverland (Peter Pan), Peter Pan References, Platonic Life Partners, Platonic Romance, Platonic Soulmates, Running Away, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 07:39:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15724941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughterofthesky/pseuds/daughterofthesky
Summary: "You, my friend, are a Lost Boy. You'll never grow up. We will never be like them, we will never have to get jobs and get married and have a family because we're boys. We won't grow up. We'll stay forever this way."Felix smiles, and nods. He will always believe what his best friend says, forever—even if forever is an awfully short time.





	1. Flying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ultslix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultslix/gifts), [dearfelix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearfelix/gifts), [chewhy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chewhy/gifts), [Laughingvirus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughingvirus/gifts), [jisunglicious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisunglicious/gifts), [mimxy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimxy/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Peter Pan](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/411597) by J.M. Barrie. 



> THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN BASED ON REAL PEOPLE, BUT THEY HAVE BEEN FICTIONALIZED.  
>  this au is the birth of two of my fav things: my fav story and my fav ship. i hope u like it !!  
>  there will be a lot of Peter Pan references and quotes :)  
>  i modified a few things, like Jisung's time in malaysia, their families, etc pls don't hate me :(

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it."— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy again ! i hope you like this au !  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS AT THE END OF CH

Han Jisung and Lee Felix were born a day apart, in two different continents, but under the same sky, the same twinkling stars. Their meeting had been predetermined even before they were born, just as if they were _soulmates._ But that day, a curse had also been cast on them, unknowingly, one that would cost them a forever together.  
Han Jisung was born at night, under the sweet lullaby of the moonlight, the guiding stars and the chilly autumn breeze of South Korea. Felix Lee, on the other hand, was born early in the morning the next day, still under the same sky and stars, the same constellations, but in Australia, an ocean away.  
Felix Lee was born an only child, a blessing, an angel sent from above to bestow their family a happiness they had never felt before, and that they thought they would never feel in their lives. Han Jisung was born under the hardships of older brothers, favoritism, and the adjustment of life in another country because of his father's work. They had both grown up under the influence of bedtime stories—such as Robin Hood and The Jungle Book—but their favorite story was, by far, the one about a boy who just simply refused to grow up: Peter Pan. They would be fascinated by Captain Hook, Mr. Smee and the pirates, the Lost Boys, Tinker Bell, the Darling family, but what they admired the most—what would really keep them up at night, tossing in their beds—was the feeling of never growing old. Of being a kid forever, with no responsibilities and restrictions. After all, at 6 years old, who wouldn't want that?

Felix met Jisung when they both got into the same primary—one of the odd coincidences of life. He had just moved to Korea, and Jisung had just moved from Malaysia, and they were both in uncharted territory: school. When a short, hazel browned haired kid approached him with the most genuine smile asking if they could be friends, Felix agreed without doubting it, nodding his head enthusiastically, flashing a smile to the stranger. He had reminded Felix of a squirrel, and he felt better: at least something was familiar. The stranger's smile had been very warming and assuring, and there was something in the way his eyes never left his that made him wonder where this friendship would lead. Plus, he loved squirrels.  
But to Jisung, Felix was _perfect._ Perfect in every single indescribable way. Maybe he wasn't perfect to anyone else, but to him he was just absolutely amazing. The way he laughed and smiled, talked and thought and looked at the world with such amazement and wonder behind his eyes—behind that dropped jaw, and his light—, _that_ drove Jisung crazy. Felix never ceased to amaze him.

They had nicknames for each other, the same way close friends do: Jisungie and Lix, or Lixie sometimes, when Jisung begged him for something. He didn't like Jisungie, it always made him feel like a kid again—even though, of course, it was given to him at six years old. No matter how affectionate Felix was, how much love and dedication he put in that nickname, Jisung simply didn't like it. But he didn't complain, the same way he never complained towards his friend about anything at all.

Felix soon referred to Jisung as a brother he never had, a twin—but Jisung loved him. Even though it had been a first love, a silly love at first sight, the feeling of love would linger towards the light-haired boy in his heart forever. Back then he couldn't have possibly known it was love—or a mere crush,—but his feelings never ceased and, growing up with him, he understood the depth of his feelings towards Felix. Jisung had convinced himself Felix was his other half—in the way they seemed to always be on the same page, thinking the same things, feeling the same way towards life,—but he was too shy to act on his feelings, so he had grown up shadowed by the constant feeling of unrequited love.  
Felix was happiness, joy, the sun rising up in the morning, the tinkling of bells, the embodiment of the color yellow, the feeling of acceptance and innocence and wonder and amazement all in one, flashing through his soul into the world in the form of a smile, of the light behind his eyes. There was absolutely nothing Jisung loved more in this world than the unique, unexplainable feeling of his friend's smile on him— _only_ on him, like it was meant to be just and exclusively for Jisung—, or his laugh, that never failed to make Jisung's heart jump inside his chest. It felt like he had the whole world but then again, Felix did not love him with such intensity, with such devotion as him; after all, he only saw him as a brother.  
Felix was one of those people who were just _light._ He was warmth, embraces, laughs, goodness. Safe haven. All Jisung wanted to do every time he saw him was hug him until one of them fell, giggling and pushing the other aside, bright smiles on their faces. And every time Felix looked at him, with one of those undeniably happy smiles that made Jisung's legs weak, the warmest light in his eyes… he loved it. He loved him. Maybe not in a romantic way—yet, because he still didn't know what love was back when they were little kids—but he wanted to be close to Felix and he hoped that somehow, someday—if he dreamed hard enough, if he truly tried, with all of his self—a part of that light, at least a tiny, imperceptible fraction, would transfer onto him. That way, he would have a part of Felix wherever he went, forever.

Jisung had always felt the need to protect Felix—not just because he saw him as a twin, or because he was the oldest, even for just a couple of insignificant hours—but because he would have hated himself if something, or someone—or anything really—killed off his light. His enthusiasm, happiness. Him. He had promised himself, from the single moment they first met, that he wouldn't let anything happen to the Aussie, and he had always been loyal to his promises. But some promises are inevitably broken, and it wasn't Jisung's fault when that happened. It was time's fault. Life's fault. Nevertheless, Jisung would feel guilty for the rest of his life.

* * *

 

Jisung was kneeling down, peeking through a crack on the poorly painted wall. He was crouching behind a crumbling wall, waiting. Autumn was just around the corner, already covering the trees, the grass and the leaves with a thin, brown layer, freezing the weather and pushing the unbearable heat of spring away, hiding it under the chilly breeze. But Jisung wasn't cold. He loved being cold. He loved shivering and the chattering of his teeth and being outside, watching the color disappear behind a new season, a deadly season. After all, nothing was colder and crueler than the unrequited love that had crawled under this skin.  
He wasn't as small anymore, and he was sure he could be seen from behind the wall, but he didn't mind. Wasn't that the point of it all? The cold midafternoon air rushed past his face, sending shivers through his skin. He waited, quietly, feeling his legs go numb.  
And then, he spotted him. A smile rose from ear to ear, the way it always did when he looked at his friend, those golden locks, the freckles that resembled the most twinkling constellation, the _light_ behind those perfectly shaped eyes of him.  
"Come on Jisungie, you've been hiding in the same spot for ten years now." He was a few feet away from him, and Jisung had failed to notice him walking down the street towards his hiding spot: he had been focused on his legs, and the slowly-rising pain.  
He stepped away from the wall, defeated, and strutted past his friend, ignoring his greeting. Felix laughed, and caught up with him, running down the street to his friend.  
"Can you believe that house has been abandoned for more than ten years?" He asked, turning around and looking back at Jisung's hiding spot: a decaying old abandoned house that had been violently hit by the freezing colds of several winters and the choking heat of a decade of summers. Part of the roof was missing, and they couldn't remember the way it had looked before: they couldn't picture that house in its best years.  
Jisung nodded, but didn't turn around. He could picture that house in his mind without the need to look at it once more.  
"Do you remember when we used to be terrified of it? You would tell me ghost stories about it, saying that it was haunted and that a family used to live there but died mysteriously and that their ghosts still haunted everyone who dared to step inside?"  
Jisung bursted into a laugh, and Felix followed. "You used to be so scared! You didn't even wanna go near it to play!"  
"I used to be so gullible," he said, once the laughter had passed. "I still am when it comes to you."  
Jisung glanced at him, bumping his shoulder with his. Felix simpered at him, sticking his tongue out.  
They made their way down the street towards the row of roofed houses, one next to the other.  
"We need to stop playing hide and seek everyday after school if you're gonna keep on hiding in the same place. Don't you get bored of it?"  
Jisung kicked a rock that was lying on the road, his hands on the pockets of his worn out hoodie, his favorite hoodie—the one Felix had gifted him for his 15th birthday. He looked away. "Are you bored of playing with me?"  
Felix shook his head, frowning. "It's not that. _You know_ it's not that."  
"Then what is it?"  
"We're sixteen, not six anymore."  
"So what? We're still the same way we used to be, Lix." But he was wrong, of course: his love had developed into a more complex feeling, something he now wish he never had felt the first time. It brought him so much pain sometimes. There were times Felix was so far, and he didn't know how to reach him, how to break the distance. "And by the way, we're not sixteen yet."  
Felix rolled his eyes. "We need to talk about what we're gonna do for our birthday."  
Jisung shrugged, uninterested. "I thought we were gonna do what we do every year."  
"Don't you want to change? I mean, aren't you bored of it?"  
"Why do you want to change everything?" Jisung snapped, stopping and facing Felix, looking straight into his eyes. The light disappeared for a few seconds, revealing a hidden feeling: sorrow.  
Felix broke the eye contact, giving his back to him. He looked at the sky for a few moments, then down, and to Jisung again. "I'm sorry. I know you don't like changes."  
"I don't," was all Jisung managed to say, and the conversation died off.

They walked a few feet away, and Jisung wished it wasn't like that. Jisung always wished things weren't the way they were, but refused to do anything about it: he hated that about himself, how he had the ability to push away the only person who cared about him, the only person Jisung loved in this world.

* * *

That night, Jisung tossed in bed, unable to fall back asleep. He thought about what he had said to Felix, how he had said it; he hadn't mean it, not that way, not the way it came out, in a growl. In anger. Without thinking twice about it, he stood up and grabbed the hoodie he had used that same afternoon, put it over his pijama and headed for the window. Without a single sound, he was out of his house.  
He climbed down the tree and made his way through his backyard, out of his lawn into the empty, lone, poorly illuminated street. A big, glowing full moon welcomed him into the night, and he could see the stars shimmering down on him as he walked towards his friend's house.  
Fortunately, Felix lived only two houses away from him, so the freezing autumn night wind wouldn't linger around him much longer. Five minutes later, he was already throwing rocks at Felix's window, hoping to get a response.  
He heard a creak and just like that the window was open. Jisung made his way up the tree into the house.  
"You can't keep doing this, Jisungie," he heard his friend's whisper behind his back, closing the window behind him as quietly as possible. He didn't look as sleepy as he sounded. Night owls.  
"I just came to say I'm sorry about today."  
Felix nodded, crawling back to his bed, covering himself under his blankets. Jisung sat by his side. "Some things never change, huh?"  
His friend smiled, closing his eyes momentarily. When he opened them again, Jisung was lying next to him. "I don't want things to change."  
"They won't," he whispered into Felix's ear, his voice sweet like honey. It came out of him as a promise.  
"Could you tell me a bed time story?"  
"Sure," he replied, staring at the ceiling, taking a deep breath, his hands behind his head. How he wished tonight could last forever. An eternity.  
Felix snuggled, making himself comfortable and warm. He gazed at Jisung, observing every single corner of his face, as if it was the first time he was looking at him: he thought he had the kind of face that would leave a mark onto somebody's memory. He sure had left a mark on him. "One in which good triumphs over evil. Where there are adventures. Love."  
He gazed back. "Do you want me to tell you the story of Peter Pan again?"  
Felix smiled broadly. "Yes, please. You know how much I love it."  
They used to always do this, sneaking into each other's houses and sleeping together—most of the time though, it was Jisung who sneaked out. There was nothing in this world he enjoyed more than Felix's company, of watching him fall asleep, wondering what he was dreaming about. He could get so lost in the moment that he would forget time passing by. Those were the best kinds of nights: him telling Felix their favorite story. He felt privileged because he was one of the few people who could witness the sun falling asleep. Nevertheless, the warmth always remained. Lingered, until the morning came and the sun rose again. But nothing lingered enough, nothing lasted forever, and soon enough the warmth would be gone and all that would be left, were memories. Innumerable memories, but were they strong enough—powerful, meaningful enough—to linger forever in his heart?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Felix knows that the only reason he is nervous is because he fears being laughed at: after all, his Korean is not very good— it's terrible actually. He misses Australia and speaking English and being a kid: he wants to go back home. But his parents say South Korea is his new home—he doesn't listen to them. He's also extremely shy, and the single thought of speaking to someone terrifies him to the core. But a short, sudden, perforating shriek freezes him, and interrupts his unpleasant thoughts: from across the playground, a kid is waving at him, stretching his hand up in the air, catching his attention completely. Felix doesn't know if he wants to run or hide, so instead he petrifies.  
"Hey!"  
A hazel haired boy stops just in front of him, the brightest smile on his face. A few teeth are missing, and he somehow resembles a squirrel to him, so he smiles shyly, quietly, almost ashamed.  
The stranger looks at him, as if he's somehow inspecting a newly discovered species. They share a confused look, and that's when he finally says, catching Felix off guard, "Do you want to be my friend?"  
Felix's eyes gleam, as if he's looking at a treasure he has been wanting to get his hands on for the longest time. He smiles more broadly now, showing a few baby teeth himself, and nods.  
The stranger then trails off with his new friend, clutching his arm and showing him off like some kind of prize. But they're both winners today.  
And alas, a friendship is born, one that will last a lifetime.

* * *

 

The next day, Jisung woke up shortly before 6am, and headed back home, the first few rays of sunlight barely touching him as he crawled back to his own bed, without bothering to take his hoodie off. The stars were gone, and the sky, the day, was beginning to wake up just like everybody else. But he didn't go to sleep right away, he couldn't: Felix's voice echoed in his head for an unknown reason, resonating in the four walls of his brain, though his voice _always_ calmed him down—it was very soothing. _I don't want things to change._ He had said they wouldn't, but he didn't know how to keep his promise. That feeling of being totally unprepared for the future haunted him. That was one of the reason he had loved Peter Pan when he was a kid: they both shared the desire to remain a kid forever. The difference was, of course, that one of them inevitably grew up. Time could be so cruel.  
And there he was, lying down on his bed at 6am, remembering the day he held the whole world in someone's gaze.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It hasn't been long since he met Jisung, but Felix is glad he at least has a friend. They usually play hide and seek with Seungmin and Hyunjin, some other kids in their class, but today they are just sitting down, relaxing under a tree, shielding themselves from the deadly rays of a summer sun. He's sweating, his mouth dry, but his friend doesn't look affected by the lack of fresh cool air. The silence is not awkward between them: they share a few innocent smiles here and there, but without saying a word. He still doesn't know Jisung that much, they've only been friends for a couple of weeks, so there is so much more to learn about his friend.  
"What's your favorite bedtime story?" he finds himself saying, followed by a shy smile, and a blush. It is one of his rehearsed questions, just like his mom taught him. His voice shakes a bit, he's twiddling his thumbs, and forcing himself not to nervously giggle once he's done speaking.  
His friend is not taken by surprise, so he smiles warmly, his eyes meeting Felix's once more, "Peter Pan."  
Felix's eyes widen and he can feel his jaw drop a little, enough for Jisung to notice him and laugh, tilting his head back and instantly closing his eyes. "So is mine!" he exclaims, gaping at him in pleasure.  
"Really?" He smirks, satisfied, but not as nearly amazed as his friend is.  
He nods, smiling. For a moment he forgets where he is, and that he's hot. Time briefly stops.  
"Then you'll be the Tinker Bell to my Peter Pan."  
Felix frowns, confused. "Why am I Tinker Bell?"  
His friend shrugs, thoughtful. "Your hair's lighter than mine. You're shorter, too."  
He likes the title right away: he loves being half of something, complementing Jisung. Felix's frown disappears, and is replaced by a hug. Their first hug, and it's warm and nice and cozy and it feels good. It feels great.

* * *

Time flew by faster than they would have wanted, and in the blink of an eye, their birthday came and went by. In the end, things didn't change: they did what they planned every year, invite the friends they had in common and go to the movies. It was simple, but they liked simplicity. They used to always throw Peter Pan themed parties in primary school, both of them dressed up as characters from the movie—Jisung always being Peter Pan, obviously. It used to be a lot of fun, and they enjoyed it very much. What they enjoyed the most though, was the company: that feeling of sharing something as special as your birthday with your best friend, with one of your closest life companions.

Autumn caught up with them, and the days were soon filled with chilly breezes and the beautiful image of the falling of the brown, wilted leaves. They would pile them up and make big mountains with the leaves growing up, but now they were older, and such things were left in the past. Jisung couldn't remember exactly when they ceased, but sometimes he would reminisce about it and he found a part of himself wanting to go back to it, just once more. He could picture themselves as well, climbing trees and running around the neighborhood, letting themselves fall into one of the countless mountains of leaves and throwing them at each other playfully, and grabbing a handful of them and making them rain on top of them: it was truly a beautiful sighting.  
But with autumn, diseases also came, and Felix started getting sick more often and missing school and refusing to go out and play hide and seek with him the way they used to. After all, they sat together in class and his absence affected Jisung, who would remain engulfed by the feeling of loneliness. Felix's immune system had always been weak, and Jisung felt sorry for him sometimes: how he could miss such a breathtaking season. Jisung started spending time on his own, and even though he wasn't annoyed by it, he came to the realization that Felix truly was his whole life, and that hit him worse than ever before. He filled his days and without him life was dull: he felt empty. The color in his life had drained away and he was drenched in solitude: the color had disappeared behind Felix's smile and without it, the world had turned into a brown, barely reddish hole which had sucked him down and was slowly choking him. Life could be so boring without him.

Eventually, Felix did come out and play, after spending three days at home and missing school. He was paler, weaker, bags under his eyes but the smile remained, as well as the light behind his eyes.  
"Damn Lix, you look awful."  
"I'm actually feeling much better than I look," he said, after coughing. Jisung loathed the fact that he never got sick but his best friend almost lived with them, and that they took the life out of him and changed him into a phantom. "Now that you're here with me I feel much better."  
"What do you mean? I came to see you yesterday, and the day before."  
Felix smiled, and Jisung could see small wrinkles round the corners of his lips. "I know, but it's the first time we're outside. It feels good."  
They were lying on the yellowish grass, by a naked tree, surrounded by the most beautiful brown, reddish and yellow-orange leaves, a few blocks away from the row of houses and the decaying old abandoned house. Both of them loved their neighborhood, and watching it transform with the coming and passing of the seasons and the years. Jisung's head rested on Felix's legs, and he loved contemplating his friend from his spot: he looked like some kind of prince. Only sicker and paler. Nevertheless, it mesmerized him. His yellow-dyed hair matched the grass and he was closing his eyes, humming to the sound of the wind.  
The afternoon was quiet and calm in contrast to the screams of the cool wind. The sky was grey, the sun hiding behind the clouds that covered the sky completely: a storm was coming. A couple of cars went by before he said, standing up and a gleam of light behind his question, "Do you want to play hide and seek?"

Jisung was once again kneeling down behind the wall, peeking through the crack, like the thousand times before. He waited, feeling his legs go numb—the usual. Just like old times. In any minute, Felix would find him.  
But he didn't.  
It usually took him a couple of minutes to walk up to the house—not more than five.  
Felix was nowhere in sight.  
He waited.  
More minutes went by.  
He stood up.  
Jisung began to get worried, uneasy. He started walking towards the tree where Felix should have been a few moments ago, his legs making great effort not to let him fall. He kept wondering what had happened, a different million scenarios popping up the faster he walked, almost running now. He panted, unable to breathe properly: he was concerned. This was _not_ like Felix.

Time could be so deserting.

It was when he noticed his best friend that he knew something was terribly wrong: Felix was kneeling down, hands on the bare street, throwing up. There was a puddle in front of him, staining the street with a green, yellow, whiteish color. It was gross, and Jisung had to cover his mouth in order not to shout. He instantly darted towards him, his heart pumping loudly, desperation and sweat running down.  
He was paler than before, his face white as snow. He somehow looked skinnier as well, weaker, _fragile._ Felix didn't even look at him when he approached him, his eyes fixed on the ground, his mouth still open. More disgusting liquid kept coming out of him, and it didn't seem to stop anytime soon. Instinctively, he phoned Felix's parents, after being unable to separate him from the street and stand him up, or at least make him stop. Jisung swore he had never seen him in such a bad state. Yet the worst was yet to come.

* * *

Weeks passed after the incident and he still had no answer. He still didn't know what had happened that day and he felt somehow guilty: after all, playing hide and seek had been his idea. Jisung regretted having coming up with it, looking at the state his friend had been in. He missed him, as Felix had refused to see him at all, making lame excuses and not even bothering to pick up his phone, leaving him always on dial tone. He hadn't even dared to open the window for him at night, ignoring him and giving him his back, but then he just wasn't home at all. Jisung hated him for that, he hated how someone as kind and selfless as Felix could do something like this to him—leaving him all by himself. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? Why was he pushing him away, why was he not telling him what was wrong, what he had done wrong? Didn't his feelings matter to him? He hated Felix for that, but he couldn't hate him at all. How could he ever hate the sole person he loved? The one who never failed to bring him joy? He couldn't, so he hated himself instead. He hated how much the unrequited love burdened him, and how much Felix's snubbing hurt him. He hated how much he loved him despite it all. Jisung hated himself because he could never be him.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Breaks are the only time of the day Felix and Jisung can speak, because in class the teacher shushes them off. They still whisper to each other though, and send notes in class—no matter if they actually sit together every day. Jisung loves breaking the rules for Felix, it somehow makes their friendship "forbidden"—of course, at 10 years old you always try to come up with stuff that will make things more exciting. Their friendship blossoms like the beautiful spring scented flowers that are now surrounding them in the grass, and they gaze at them for the longest time, mesmerized by such divine natural beauty. A few moments ago, they talked about Peter Pan, and it quite seems the conversation didn't die off, because Jisung comes up with another related topic.  
"You know, fairies don't live long. But they are so little that a short time seems a good while to them. And they only have one feeling at a time because they're so small."  
Felix looks at him, squinting his eyes because of the intensive sunrays. He is playing with a flower, touching its petals and tracing its stem down until it collides with the soil. "Is that why Tinker Bell hates Wendy? Because she's jealous?"  
"Can you blame her? She only has one feeling at a time because of her size."  
Felix doesn't pluck the flower from the grass, instead he just leaves it alone, still mesmerized by it. "I feel pity towards her."  
"Why?"  
Felix doesn't even think about it, doesn't even doubt what he's about to say. It seems like he thought about this before. "Because she can't feel two things at the same time. Like Peter, Wendy. Like us."  
Jisung stares at him, perplexed. "What are you feeling right now?" He asks, intrigued. What is running through his mind?  
Felix blushes, his face burning red. "Joy."  
"And?"  
"Pity, for Tinker Bell."

* * *

And then, a month and a half after the incident, Felix contacted him, as if somehow he had heard his pleas and cries, sensed his _desperation._

･ ｡  
☆∴｡　*  
　･ﾟ*｡★･  
　　･ *ﾟ｡　　 *  
　 ･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟ★｡  
　　　☆ﾟ･｡°*. ﾟ  
　　ﾟ｡·*･｡ ﾟ*  
　　　ﾟ *.｡☆｡★　･  
　　* ☆ ｡･ﾟ*.｡  
　　 　 *　★ ﾟ･｡ * ｡  
　　　　･　　ﾟ☆ ｡

 _The second star to the right_  
_Shines in the night for you_  
_To tell you that the dreams you plan_  
_Really can come true_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: low self esteem, self hatred, throwing up (?) (is this a trigger warning idk just in case i'm adding it)  
> (i hope i made peter pan and j.m. barrie justice :/ )  
> reminder that english is not my first language, and that i'm sorry for the spelling/grammar mistakes !! i do try to improve :)  
> I'm sorry if time seems to pass by rlly fast it's that i'm trying to get to the whole point of this au (and i actually made it much longer than intended)  
> also, kudos and comments are always appreciated ;)  
> UPDATE COMING UP NEXT WEEK pls bear with me


	2. Landing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Think of all the joy you’ll find when you leave the world behind and bid your cares goodbye." — Sammy Cahn, You Can Fly!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS AT THE END OF CH

Jisung didn't know what to expect when he was called to the hospital. He wasn't worried about him: besides having been there a few times before, Felix would be out in no time, and then they could spend more afternoons lying around under the trees and watching the leaves fall off—he craved for time to go by faster, so that they could return to spending time together. Soon everything would go back to the way it was, and the anger he felt would vanish. _Soon._  
The hospital wasn't far from their neighborhood, and Jisung decided to go alone, walking along the streets, a million questions rushing through his mind. He was mad, furious at him. Each step he took forward, a new question arose, and he was eager to ask him everything. He didn't know what he was going to say to Felix, how he would react—he hadn't seen him for a month and a half, and he still wasn't sure how he survived all that time on his own. Would he cry? Would he scream? Would he say anything at all?  
He walked past Felix's house and wondered when he would be coming home, when he would be throwing rocks at his window again. He smiled, and hurried down the street towards the end of the row of houses and past the abandoned house, making his way to the bus stop.  
In less than fifteen minutes, he was already in front of Felix's room, waiting to go inside. He had greeted his parents—which had always seen him as another son, after all they knew him since he was a little boy, barely six years old. Neither of them had told him anything, saying that Felix would explain it all to him and that he had just to wait a few more minutes to see him, but that they were grateful he was there.  
A few moments later, a man with a white coat came out of the room, carrying a small notebook. He introduced himself as Felix's doctor, and said that he would be taking care of him.  
"You can go in now, he is waiting for you," he informed, curving a smile. Jisung gulped, feeling as if someone had kicked him in the stomach. He prayed that the uneasiness wouldn't linger. He had waited for this moment for the past month, and he was both terrified and excited. And he smiled, shy.  
The room was much bigger than it looked from the outside. It had a big window next to the hospital bed and a small table beside it, which was invaded by tons of small plastic jars of the most colorful pills he had ever seen. The sunlight coming through the window blinded him momentarily, and he squinted his eyes. Felix was lying on the bed and curved a weak smile when he saw him. He looked like he hadn't been able to sleep, the biggest bags under his eyes and his face was that of a phantom—skinny and wrinkly and white: he looked worse than before, but yet again, he looked exactly the same to him. Jisung wondered if it was because of the environment he was in.  
He stepped inside, quietly closing the door behind him. The unpleasant smell of anesthesia and disinfectant filled the air between them. Jisung took a better look at his friend: his arm was connected to beeping machines. He didn't look bothered by it.  
"You better have a good excuse."  
Felix breathed a laugh. "Believe me, _I do_."  
But Jisung was on the verge of crying, still standing by the door, his emotions bursting out: they were stronger that him. "You know how much I _need_ you, Lix. Leaving me alone felt like you gave up on me."  
"I know. I'm sorry."  
A stray tear rolled down his face: he loved Felix too much to see him in this state. He had so many questions but they didn't seem to come out of him.  
"Tell me what's going on, and why you pushed me away."  
Felix signaled him to get closer, and sit on the bed next to him. He did so.  
"I wanted to tell you for so long, ever since I found out. But I couldn't bring myself to do it."  
Jisung frowned. "What's going on, Lix? I don't like the sound of that."  
"Remember when I threw up on the street? While we were playing hide and seek? Well, I was very dizzy that day. The whole week I had been very weak. I had headaches, and nausea and I lost appetite, which you know that never happens. I also had a fever and there were times when I couldn't even stand up. I was in so much pain. It was awful, Jisungie, I hope you never go through it.  
"So that same day my parents brought me to the hospital, and they ran a few tests on me. I went back home and waited for a diagnose, but I knew it wasn't good. I had a bad _feeling._ I didn't wanna see you because I didn't want to tell you yet, and after I got diagnosed I just couldn't bring myself to say it. But it's fine now, I'm ready."  
An eternity seemed to pass by before he spoke, absolute silence between them, marking the distance between them: Felix was _so_ far. "I have cancer, Jisung."  
That word splintered inside him causing a pain he hadn’t been familiar with before: that word told Jisung that there would be no more lying around under trees, no more shared birthdays at the movies, no more hide and seek and sitting together at school. He didn’t want it, not any of it: he wasn’t listening to him anymore, a single word resonating in his mind for him not to be able to forget it, ever: cancer, _cancer_. It hurt to even breathe, and he panted the pain he felt in his heart but it wasn’t enough. He wanted to scream, even though it was a hospital, but he couldn’t. He didn’t care about anything else, but even so the scream didn’t seem to come out of him: it was stuck in his throat, unable to spit it out no matter how hard he tried. Jisung couldn’t even look at him, his tears were blurring his vision and he didn’t even wipe them away. What for? It wouldn't make the pain and the cancer go away, so why bother?  
Felix tried his best to wipe the tears away but they kept rolling down, a river flowing out of him into his friend's soft hand.  
"It's okay, Jisungie. It is still not too late."  
"I-I-I don't understand," he managed to croak, his voice breaking and his hands shaking.  
"It's called acute lymphoblastic leukemia, also known as ALL and it's when..."  
But he was unable to keep listening to him: he couldn't understand why _Felix._ Jisung wondered why it had been Felix and not him: after all, he hadn't been a blessing, just an accident, he hadn't been expected and loved the same way Felix had, he hadn't received the same amount of love—or affection, or a sign of it—as his best friend had. He wondered why he was the healthy one and not Felix. Maybe it was because the one thing he had always wanted—what he had really craved for, for as long as he could remember—had been denied from the very beginning, and now he must be forever barred from it: love.  
And just like that, the world he had come to know, his life— _everything_ —came crashing down, with just a single word that meant a thousand more.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Have you ever wondered why I always keep you close?"  
Felix blinks a few too many times, perplexed. Speechless. "No." But he doesn't mind, he likes Jisung's company a bit too much.  
Jisung grabs his wrist and pulls him down, making him sit next to him on the grass. They're both still panting after a game of hide and seek with Hyunjin and Seungmin, sweat drops falling down their foreheads. The school's playground looks so colorful in spring, and they both love it.  
"It's because I know you won't go away."  
"Huh?"  
But Jisung is not looking at him: his eyes trace the shape of the trees, and the clouds, and even though it looks like he is wondering about something, he knows exactly what he is going to say.  
"You're the only one I care about, and that cares about me..." he trails off, wondering what Felix will say next. He doesn't interrupt him, his eyes wide open. "My parents gave up on me a long time ago. They don't acknowledge my existence. They only care about my brothers and their studies because they know they have a future. I'm practically a ghost at home."  
Felix leans forward and holds his hand, as if somehow he is saying he understands his pain—but of course he doesn't.  
"I don't have many friends either, you know that. So I keep you close, cause it makes me feel good. It makes me feel alive again. And suddenly, I'm not a ghost anymore, I'm _human_ , and I'm seen. I exist, and you see me."  
Felix curves a smile, but it only reflects pity. Jisung hates that. "I promise you, I'll never leave your side. I will never give up on you."

* * *

He cried all the way home from the hospital.

His parents didn't even ask him where he had been that afternoon, and neither of them seemed to notice how red and puffy his face looked. At dinner, he was lost in the sea of voices that could be heard at the table, clashing against each other. His mother, as always, stood out, tone shrill and insistent, demanding her voice to be heard from above the others. His father and brothers didn't relent, though, they never did, and so it droned on, the same picture every night, a never-ending showing of a movie Jisung couldn't escape, and worst of all, couldn't mute, now wishing he could more than ever before.  
His gaze fell to his plate, pushing stray bits of what was left of his dinner and wishing someone would pause long enough to acknowledge him. His hands itched to cover his eyes once more and weep, but he busied them with pouring some more water into his glass, throat perpetually patched. It was as if it was trying to force him to say something, _anything_ , to cough out any form of internal pain he felt, but a mere glimpse at his own hands always kept those thoughts at bay.  
Tired and done, he got up, not bothering to look back at the table where he knew his absence wouldn't be noticed. In the kitchen, he quickly rinsed his plate, trying—and almost failing—not to break down into tears. He knew, consciously, that avoiding it wouldn't make the thought of Felix's sickness go away.  
His room, those four walls that enveloped his whole world, was soon flooded with blasting music, words of comfort and warmth surrounding him. Darkness edged his every thought, threatening to take over him as he longed to sing and shout and say everything his delirious mind could come up with, anything that could make the burdening pain of Felix's face in his mind go away.

That same night, he dreamt of Felix. He dreamt they were once again lying down in the grass, watching how the leaves danced in the wind to the beautiful, sweet, soft melody of the wind, and he could picture Felix's golden hair being brushed by it as well, the same as the thousand times before. It felt real, his mind reeling through a billion scenarios where they laughed, talked, pushed each other around, held hands, and a lifetime of undone things they had yet to experience together, and Jisung could picture—just for a few seconds, not more—how Felix's soft lips could have felt onto his. But it had been only a dream, and he woke up in cold sweat. He glanced at his nightstand clock, and tried falling asleep again, but failing to do so.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Do you think I'm dumb?"  
Felix laughs at his question, pretending he doesn't mean it. But he does.  
"What are you talking about?" he inquires, frowning.  
Jisung shrugs, twiddling with his fingers. He pouts thoughtfully, almost regretting bringing up the topic. "My parents say I'm dumb."  
Felix gasps silently. He lands a hand on Jisung's shoulder. "They don't mean it. You are not dumb," he assures, curving a half smile. The light behind his eyes flickers, and Jisung is momentarily afraid he will make it disappear—he doesn't want that to happen, ever.  
"How are you so sure?" he asks, taking a better look at his friend. His freckles gleam in the sunlight, and he loves how peaceful he always looks.  
Felix flinches, unsure of what to say. "Grades don't define your intelligence, and neither do they define you."  
But Jisung disagrees, muttering under his breath. "That's not what my parents think."  
Felix leans forward and holds his face in both of his small, soft, baby hands, and he blushes, hoping Felix doesn't realize he is now breathing uneasily. It feels like he is untying all of his knots, and his problems seem to fade one by one until there is nothing but the two of them, sitting down in their favorite spot in the whole playground, far from the rest of the kids. The space between them seems infinite, and time has collapsed and doesn't exist anymore.  
"You are not dumb, Han Jisung," he assures once again, hoping this time Jisung listens to him. He does.  
"Thank you, Lix. You always know what to say."  
Felix leans back now, returning to his original position. Time rebirths and the space between them becomes finite again. "That's what best friends are for," he grins, giggly. If only he knew Jisung loved him beyond that.  
Jisung simply smiles back, but the blush remains.

* * *

What Jisung hated the most about autumn was watching the leaves fall off the trees alone. He hated being the only one witnessing it when it was such a beautiful, breathtaking sighting. He hated closing his eyes and not hearing the pleasant sound of Felix's soft giggle in between the screams of the wind, or his soft hand in his, while he pushed him towards a pile of leaves. He had spent the last few weeks visiting Felix at the hospital, every visit bringing something new: at first it was small insignificant things, like roses and small "get better soon" cards—which always made him smile and Jisung's heart melt—but then they became more significant, like wilted autumn leaves and different rocks he had found near the abandoned house—which, between them, represented that _nothing had changed_ —, and soon he was staying late at night and reading Felix to sleep, a warm smile on his face that he wished would linger forever, even after he had gone home. Jisung wondered how he could be so calm when he was freaking out, how he could be all smily and innocent when he was afraid of falling asleep and missing something out.

But, at first, Felix didn't spend all the time in the hospital: he would go out one day a week, under surveillance. It made him better, healthier, and soon he was going out three days a week, walking along parks and drinking hot chocolate and spending time outside. Jisung loved watching Felix's golden hair shimmer in the sunlight once again, and even though it was cold and they both had a thousand layers on, Felix always made him melt. And smile, and sometimes he would allow himself to forget things weren't exactly good. But soon he would snap back to reality, and the smile disappeared.

Felix had told him that the only reason he practically lived in the hospital now was because they still had to run tests on him. He had told Jisung that it wasn't as bad as it looked, and that his daily visits always made him feel better, and the pain he felt would leave. Still, it hurt Jisung to see him in such weak position, and nothing his friend could say would make the intense feeling of pity and remorse and guilt fade away.

But Felix was, indeed, getting better: the treatments were working, and the color returned to his face, and the strength to his muscles. He looked livelier than before, his eyes still sparkled every time Jisung stepped into the room, the warmest smile on his face, like he had waited an eternity to finally see him. He missed seeing him running around and spending time with him. What he missed the most though, was sneaking into his room at night and reading him to sleep, and allowing himself to close his eyes and feel how warm it felt to have Felix in his arms, just for a couple of hours. He hadn't had enough, and he now longed for it like never before.

* * *

Autumn soon disappeared behind winter, and the wilted leaves were covered by a white thick layer, and the environment soon lost its color to white. The cool breeze turned into a non-escaping, non-ceasing wintry wind. The kids in their neighborhood were soon building snowmen and playing snow fights and it reminded Jisung of all the fun things he used to do with Felix years ago. He remembered when the falling of leaves changed to the falling of snowflakes and how much he enjoyed witnessing such a thing with Felix. But not everything was icy-cold and pale: Felix's enthusiasm and energy seemed to spark when the whole world was asleep, hiding behind thousands of blankets and waiting for the color and the warmth to return.

And yet, with winter, Felix had soon began to push him away once again, ignoring his requests to see him and his daily visits. But Jisung was insistent, and he always left him something before he left, without knowing if Felix would accept it or throw it away. It almost felt as if _he_ was throwing Jisung away.  
He longed for it to be spring again. He longed to be able to turn back time, where the blossom trees were full of pale pink petals that created awnings over pavements. To a time where they could go out without a jacket and wear t-shirts instead of big jumpers. To a time where flowers bloomed. The trees were now filled with brown, dead leaves. Angry skies, harsh winds, fierce clouds. Rain was more frequent, air was cooler. Felix was colder.

* * *

The winter wind howled as he made his way through the snow. His footprints stained the white layer with a brown, muddy scar. He shivered, small visible puffs of air coming out of his mouth as he waited for the bus to come. This time, he had gotten Felix a small, soft plushie, which he had carefully packaged by himself, and he now carried it under his arm. The sun was beginning to set, the last few rays of sunshine painting the asphalt of a warm orange color, unknown to the paleness of this new season. He fixed his hair and his beanie, covering his ears, and smiled, half expecting Felix to see him this time.  
As he waited for the receptionist to attend him, he removed his beanie and heavy breathed, feeling the warmth of the radiator kick in. The quietness of it all made Jisung uncomfortable, and he hated that he had started to get used to it.  
He made his way to Felix's room but, to his surprise, a handful of doctors and nurses and a bunch of security guys were stranded in front of his door, talking to each other in a civilized manner. All of them were talking at the same time, but they weren't making a mess, instead muttering under their breaths. Jisung scuttled forward, trying to blend in with them, wondering if something wrong had happened, a part of himself refusing to let the negative thoughts that were popping up in his head get the best of him. The door remained closed, unbothered.  
"What is going on?" he asked, facing a middle aged woman with a concerned frown on her face. She was shaking, her eyes drifting from side to side, a few sweat drops on her forehead. Jisung had seen her before, but never in this state. She remained quiet, without fully acknowledging his presence.  
Through the wavering wave of people, he noticed the presence of Felix's parents, who were standing up next to the door. His mother was crying, hiding her face in her silk handkerchief. He made his way to them, legs shaking and refusing to let him fall down before he knew the inevitable was coming.  
"What has happened?" he asked, after quickly greeting them. His mind was not working properly, unable to join the dots. Maybe he didn't _want_ to join the dots, but let the moment consume him before he knew something had happened to Felix. Deep down, he hoped for the best.  
Felix's father looked at him, sorrow reflected behind them. He took a deep breath, his arm still around his wife's. "He's not in his room."  
Jisung frowned, perplexed, his body unable to react to the words that had been just spoken. He hadn't been expecting that.  
"What do you mean? Where is he then?"  
"We don't know. He is not in his bed."  
Jisung sighed, closing his eyes. His heart was beating again, but he was still breathing uneasily.  
Time could be tricky.  
"Maybe he went out the window," Felix's mother croaked, her voice shaking and breaking.  
"What do you mean?" he shrieked, raising his voice, attracting the attention of everyone around him. He didn't care. "We're on the fifth floor."  
Jisung stumped forward, pushing everyone aside and bursting into Felix's room. But indeed, the window was open, the curtains flapping as the wind blew inside the now-empty room. Felix was nowhere in sight.

･ ｡  
☆∴｡　*  
　･ﾟ*｡★･  
　　･ *ﾟ｡　　 *  
　 ･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟ★｡  
　　　☆ﾟ･｡°*. ﾟ  
　　ﾟ｡·*･｡ ﾟ*  
　　　ﾟ *.｡☆｡★　･  
　　* ☆ ｡･ﾟ*.｡  
　　 　 *　★ ﾟ･｡ * ｡  
　　　　･　　ﾟ☆ ｡  
_The second star to the right_  
_Shines with a light so rare_  
_And if it's Neverland you need_  
_Its light will lead you there_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of cancer  
> i hope it was worth the wait ;)  
> Y'ALL BETTER PREPARE FOR WHAT'S COMING


	3. Neverland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting." — J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER!  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS AT THE END OF CHAPTER

Felix wasn't dead. He hadn't jumped out the window. He wasn't lying head down on the cement, surrounded by a pool of his own blood. It didn't take Jisung long to figure where he was hiding. He knew Felix too well to even doubt where he was. A place known by the two of them only, a place that represented more than the leaves and the rocks and silly little things Jisung could have found on the street, that nothing had changed. And nothing _would_ change, ever.

The neighborhood was dead. Lifeless. Covered in a thin dark layer. The abandoned house looked creepier and older and mysterious without the rays of the sun shining down on it. Against the dark night sky all Jisung could see was the crumbling walls that were nothing more than a ghostly silhouette of some previous existence. There were no signs of light, of movement, of life. It looked peaceful, unbothered and untouched by any sign of warmth. But the shades of the moon glowing down on it made it look even gloomier, and Jisung forgot for a moment that he knew the house at all. The isolated kingdom of their childhood stood by itself, still, shadows of the early night cornering it.  
The wooden stairs creaked beneath his feet as he made his way to the house. Jisung opened the door, passing by broken windows and mouldy, browned wooden walls with water stains that once was a white wall. He wasn't really inside, the house lacked closure: walls were missing, and one could enter the house without even stepping through the threshold because walls were crumbled and had been broken down and Jisung was pretty sure he could be seen from outside. He walked through narrow doorways, his eyes still searching around for his friend. Jisung was prowling through uncharted territory, stepping into rooms and halls he had never seen before, making his way to the heart of the house. Goosebumps marked themselves on his arms, shivers running down his spine: besides the cold weather, he was frightened. He stopped when he reached the crooked staircase: it looked like it could collapse in any minute.  
"Felix?" he called, his voice quavering and echoing, a shaky hand landing softly on the handrail. He was sure that if he pressed harder, the handrail and, the whole staircase for that matter, would come crumbling down.  
Silence lingered long enough for Jisung to almost give up and leave, but something inside of him was absolutely sure his friend was there. He _wouldn't_ give up on him. He stood still and called out again.  
"Go away."  
His voice had been a mere whisper in the wind, and Jisung thought that he had imagined it. He padded up the stairs, holding the handrail as if it would somehow hold him if the staircase broke down—of course it wouldn't.  
Once he was upstairs, he scanned his surroundings. It took him a while to get used to the dark, and he still couldn't see Felix.  
"I said go away, Jisung."  
The voice came from one of the shadows indeed. He turned around, now feeling watched by a pair of eyes hiding somewhere in the shadows. Jisung stared blankly: Felix was sitting down on the wooden floor, his arms wrapping his legs closer to his chest. Still, he couldn't see his body, the moonlight glowing down on him up to his ankles. Jisung stood by the stairs, afraid of how his friend would react if he got closer. He took a deep breath.  
"I don't know how you managed to escape but you need to go back."  
He heard Felix tittering under his breath. "I don't want to. I hate it there. It hurts. It kills me."  
"What do you mean? Why did you run away?" he blurted out, unconsciously. A part of him already knew the answer.  
Silence. Felix took his time, and Jisung could hear that he was breathing uneasily. Jisung stepped forward towards Felix, slowly, quietly, his legs shaking but firm, determined.  
Then, he spoke, as if he was about to cast the most terrible curse. "It's gotten worse."  
Jisung took a few steps forward, until he could see Felix under the dim moonlight. His eyes gave him a hollow look, tired and black bags under his eyes that stood out from his now snow-white face that looked like a corpse's. His shoulders were hunched and his once rosy, chubby cheeks were now sagged, like they were too tired to cling to the bone beneath. He had been crying too, his eyes watery and broken—the light behind his eyes flickered, as if fighting to keep itself alive. Those beautiful rosy rounded lips were now lilac and shallow. His skin looked rough against his once soft, colorful skin, and he looked bony and extremely thin. Jisung noticed a few too many purple bruises on his arms and legs. He was wearing his regular clothes, no hospital gown—he must have changed them when no one was looking, Jisung thought—but still they looked a couple of sizes too big for him. Simply, he had withered.  
His golden locks, that beautiful sun kissed hair that Jisung loved so much, was all gone. Shaved off, like it was never there in the first place. "I didn't want you to see me like this. So weak. So... _fragile_."  
Jisung sat down on the floor next to him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Felix flinched, as if the mere thought of being this close to Jisung repulsed him. "It's okay," he said, as if those words had a magic spell. But they somehow did, at least on Felix, and he leaned closer to him and rested his head on his shoulder. They stood like that for a while, silent but comfortable despite the cold.  
"The treatments stopped working," he confessed. Jisung glanced at Felix, quiet. Felix went on. "They simply stopped working. I-I don't know what happened. I was fine. But there were times when I couldn't even stand up. I was in so much pain. I would scream in agony. You weren't there with me, that hurt even more."  
"Let's go back."  
"I don't want to go back," he whined.  
"But it's so cold, you'll _freeze_."  
"I better kill my body before my body kills me. After all, it turned against me first."  
They made eye contact. Felix's eyes reflected pain; Jisung's, pity. How he loathed seeing him like this. "Lixie, let me take you back, _please_."  
Felix wasn't listening to him: a shy smile curved on his face. "Forget them, Jisungie. Forget them all. Let's run away, you and me. Come with me where you'll never, never have to worry about grown up things again. Never is an awfully long time."  
"Please, Lixie, don't do this. I beg you."  
But he pushed him aside, clenching his teeth and fists, breaking the embrace. He landed a hand on Jisung's chest, as if preventing his friend from leaning forward. Suddenly, Jisung was much colder. "Forget it! You sound like a grown up, like those fucked up doctors that can't take the pain away from me. You're just like them! What have you turned into, Jisung? I don't recognize you anymore. Where's my twin? My best friend, my other self? I don't see him in _you_." His voice was breaking, tears pooling in his eyes. Jisung felt like he had betrayed him. But he didn't wait for a reply: Felix grabbed Jisung's shirt and pulled him closer, burying his dampened face in his chest. He wept, and Jisung stroked his now-bald head, reminding himself that he had to be strong. _For him._  
A few minutes went by until Felix stopped weeping. It felt as if he had drained all his misery out in those minutes, as if he had needed this to happen. As if, all along, he had needed _him._  
"I'm afraid, Jisungie," he snuggled. "I'm terrified."  
He smiled, hiding his fears and insecurities and miseries behind an assurance, because his friend needed it. Jisung wiped the tears streaking down his cheeks. "Don't be."  
"Sometimes when you would come to visit me, back at the hospital, I would smile at you. Most of the times, if not all of the times, I just smiled because of you. Because you were there with and for me. And sometimes I would smile because seeing you come through the door with a smile on your face created the illusion that life wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After all, I was alive. I was with you." His voice was muffled against Jisung's chest, but he could hear the panic in it. Jisung held him tighter.  
"Why here, of all places?" Felix didn't answer. He didn't need to, because Jisung found the answer right there, on the cold wooden floor in the dark. Only when Felix faced a greater fear did he realize he wasn't afraid of the abandoned house, but that of being abandoned. Of being forgotten and wilted and unloved and unwanted. Of being left to die, alone, surrounded by people who didn't acknowledge his existence.  
Felix sat straight, unburying his head from Jisung's chest and moving aside, now resting his head on the wall. He stretched his legs. "Do you know why when we were kids you were always the one to hide and I was the seeker?"  
He blinked, "Why?"  
"Because you would never find me: I'm very good at hiding."  
Jisung snickered. "Well, I found you."  
"Maybe it's because I wanted to be found."

They sat like that for a while, contemplating the space between them and acknowledging the presence of the other. All Jisung could think about was the countless of afternoons they had spent playing hide and seek, of how he had loved Felix's reaction every time he had found him kneeling behind one of the crumbled walls. He knew, at that moment, that a minute could last a forever by his side.  
"I didn't want things to change." Felix was trembling, snot and tears mixing on his face.  
"But they haven't, Lix. Nothing's changed," he said, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around his body. He held Felix against him, rocking him back and forth. Felix wept on his shirt until his tears dried, until his shaking stopped and his whimpers dwindled to indecipherable mumbles. He waited, rocking him until his breathing slowed and his body slackened: he fell asleep, just like a baby. Jisung smiled, closing his eyes. Time stopped. The cold—and with it, the rest of the seasons—disappeared. There was only them. There was only now.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"Stay still, will ya?" he says, his trembling hand pressing his black pen against Felix's skin, just above the elbow, his tongue slightly poking out. The younger boy keeps giggling and shaking, Jisung's handwriting wriggly and messy, untidy. His fingers are soon stained with ink.  
"Sorry, but when will you finish? You're taking forever," Felix complains, sighing another giggle, tapping the desk with his fingers. He twiddles with his feet, impatiently stomping them against the floor.  
Less than three minutes go by before Jisung lets his friend go, leaning backwards and admiring his work of art. "There," he says. "It's done."  
"Does it look good?" Felix says, turning his head over his shoulders, but still unable to see Jisung's hadwriting in his arm.  
Jisung grins, satisfied. "Of course it does," he nods.  
They both share a laugh, taking advantage of this time they have alone in their classroom. But soon enough, the bell rings and Felix hurriedly unrolls his sleeves and hides his newly made "tattoo" which consists of two words, imprinted on his skin, his best friend's handwriting. It's simple and will probably fade by next day but he loves it, and he loves what it represents. _Lost Boy._

* * *

Jisung didn't have to beg Felix to return to the hospital. He didn't have to ask twice either: Felix knew it was wrong, and he felt sorry towards his parents. They walked hand in hand—Felix's hand was _so_ warm in his—, the stars lighting the way back, walking away from their bubble. It was then that Jisung realized they probably wouldn't go back to it ever again. He looked back once more, like he never did before, and kept on walking, head down.  
There was warmth among the cold. Jisung closed his eyes, feeling nothing more than Felix's warmth being radiated onto his body, now immune to the cold. He felt the wind blow his hair into a tousled mane, but he didn't let it in. He was untouchable when he was with Felix, this feeling of being completely unharmed by life and utterly unhurt by feelings and emotions and the feeling of being intact and unbroken by life and events and people made him feel empowered. Like he could take on the world. He longed for it to never fade, to never cease, to linger long enough for them to run away and leave their lives behind. And yet they were pinned down, feet chained to the ground. But Felix's chains were now rusty and bronze, ragged.

 

 

Back at the hospital, Felix couldn't sleep—as if he was somehow _afraid_ of doing so. He was still shaking, besides being under a thousand blankets he was shivering. The stars were beginning to disappear behind a now beige sky: the day was coming and, with it, the sun. But it was somehow still dark, the lampposts outside still illuminating the empty streets. Jisung figured it must have been around 5 am, and it reminded him of the countless times he had fallen asleep in Felix's room, holding him in his arms tightly, too afraid to let go—for waking up Felix seemed like a sin to him, it would be such a waste to throw the peacefulness away. He had loved making up scenarios where he confessed his love to his best friend, but he was in denial, he was afraid of his rejection. He was afraid of what could happen if something changed.  
"Will you stay here with me tonight?" he asked, blankets up to his nose. He gazed at him for quite a while, almost as if he was mesmerized by his friend.  
"Of course," he said, laying down next to Felix, snuggling up to him and kissing him on the forehead softly. Felix wrapped himself around his friend, embracing him and holding on to him as if he was somehow afraid to let go. And he stopped shaking. Jisung didn't mind. He smiled.  
Felix closed his eyes, his face against Jisung's chest. "Even if I fall asleep, will you be here in the morning?"  
"I promise."

* * *

As the days passed, time seemed to be going by slower. Every night he would make Felix fall asleep—the younger had developed something like insomnia. He would tell him bedtime stories—those Jisung knew he adored—or come up with one right on the spot, and Felix would close his eyes and wrap his arms around his friend.  
Every morning, the same thing happened: Felix would slowly and reluctantly uncover his face—afraid to face a new day of pain and agony and tests and medication and unbearable doctors—and would spend at least 3 minutes blinking, getting used to the light coming through the window—which now had bars, much to his dismay—and then he would sit up and drag his feet off the bed, towards the bathroom, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, the darkest bags under his eyes. A pout would appear when he turned around, every single day, watching the side of the bed Jisung had been on hours ago, embracing him warmly.

But as the days passed, the light behind Felix's eyes would dimmer, and Jisung would fail to recognize if it was still there. His arms grew thinner, his skin stained with purple and green and black bruises that Felix insisted didn't hurt. He had become anemic and was breathless almost all the time, and would have frequent fevers. His cheeks were bonier than before, his face paler. He had watched his best friend turn into nothing more than a sickness: he had watched him throw up, several times he had watched him failing to stand up, his arms shaking, weakened. Jisung had promised himself he wouldn't forget the way Felix used to look before the leukemia, but with every passing day, that image of the smiley, innocent, lively boy would shake and bend and Jisung was afraid one of these days it would break. And be gone, forever.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"You and I are always connected."  
Felix smiles, his head on Jisung's shoulder. They can hear the wind howling outside Felix's window, the tree dancing in the dark from one side to the other, its branches violently flapping against the glass. A storm is coming.  
"Stay with me tonight," Felix urges, gently squeezing Jisung's hand in his. They have never done this before, not this way: it's a weird sleepover, Jisung thinks. But he doesn't really mind, he would do anything for this boy. He nods, humming.  
Felix curves a smile. He rolls his eyes, and nuzzles into his shoulder, his blonde hair inches from Jisung's nose. He smells like happiness.  
"Is this gonna become a habit now?" he asks, sarcasm in his tone. Felix simpers.  
"Is there something wrong with that?"  
Jisung shakes his head. "Not at all."  
Felix's smile widens. "Tell me the story of Peter Pan," he pleas, excitement detected in his tone. Jisung agrees, beaming.

* * *

"Today has been an awful day. I'm glad you're here. Thank you, Jisung."  
Jisung snickered, lighting up the mood. "You don't have to thank me every time I come, Felix. I told you, I'll always be here for you. What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't come to your aid? Not a good one, for sure."  
Felix scoffed out a laugh, a bit breathless. He looked exhausted, his arms connected to the beeping machines. Jisung hated that noise.  
"Come on now, Lix," he said, sitting down on the bed. "I'll tell you a story. Try falling asleep."  
Felix smiled—Jisung had come to know these moments were Felix's favourite time of the day. Jisung liked his company too, of course, but besides the night, they rarely had time together like before: Jisung was loaded with homework and school in general, while Felix had daily tests and was barely in his room at all. Jisung missed his old life, the old Felix—even though he knew he was hiding behind the bruises and paleness: he could see him in the light behind his eyes. Now, it was flickering.  
"Am I gonna die?"  
Words left him. He stared back at those hazel eyes that were looking at him, still. Unwavering. Jisung couldn't move his lips, his mind blank. _Die._ That word hadn't crossed his mind, not with Felix. His eyes searched for an answer in Jisung's eyes, drifting from one to the other. He waited for a reply. Jisung hoped his mind would come up with something to say—to reply—, for his brain to send signals to his mouth so that he could say something but nothing seemed to be coming out of him: he just mumbled.  
"To die would be an awfully big adventure."  
Jisung's mouth remained in an uncharacteristic grim line. "I thought you were afraid of dying."  
Felix nodded, overlooking the tears forming in his friend's eyes: he didn't want to cry in front of him. "I am, but sometimes living is just as hard as dying."  
There was sadness in Felix's eyes: they were now teary too. Jisung impulsively leaped forward, hugging him, holding Felix in his arms once more. "Don't give up, Lix."  
Felix didn't say anything right away, burying his head in his friend's neck.  
"Carry on, Lixie. Whether your crying, crawling, or barely holding on. All you need to think about is taking the next step forward, there's no other option. Dreams do come true, if only we wish hard enough. You can do anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it." _Jisung would sacrifice himself if it meant Felix could live, because life without him was meaningless. Who was him without Felix? No one._ "So promise me you'll fight. You won't give up."  
They separated, Felix's hands on Jisung's shoulders. He smiled, wiping a stray tear from his friend's eye. "I promise. For you, I won't give up."

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"I don't want to ever grow up, Jisungie. It sucks."  
Felix crosses his arms and Jisung looks at him, admiring his friend's frown: he looks cute when he's mad. "Then don't."  
They both lean backwards now, resting their bodies on the green playground grass. A butterfly flies over their heads and Felix follows its trail, giggling.  
"I don't want to grow up either. I don't want to do grown up stuff. I don't want to work," Jisung confesses, his hands interlocked on his stomach. He watches as Felix gently grabs a leaf falling over their heads. They share a smile.  
"Have you ever wondered how it would feel like to fly?" he asks, his eyes stuck on the branches above them—their shadow provider. Felix stretches out his arms, staring at his fingers, and closing them a couple of times, just like babies when they want something. Jisung just watches. "I would love to fly away, to go to Neverland with you and never come back. Never grow up. Never have to worry about anything at all."  
"What do you mean? You're Tinker Lix, you already have wings! You're just not using them." Jisung pictures Felix in his mind, flying away into the sky, like a butterfly, his golden hair being brushed by the wind—he loves his hair, _so_ Tinker Bell. He pictures him looking back at him and waving, his baby hand smaller than ever in the distance.  
Felix titters, "I thought I was a Lost Boy."  
"You are a Lost Boy. You're both. Who ever said we can't be both?"  
His friend turns around, leaning on his shoulder. He gazes at Jisung, but his eyes are still on the sky. "If I flew away, do you think people would miss me?"  
Jisung faces him now, their faces inches from each other. He takes a good look at his friend's freckles. _Oh how he loves them._ "Well of course." He'd miss him. Hell, he'd cry if he ever left his side.  
All of a sudden, Felix sits up and cries. He _weeps._ He covers his face with his hands. Jisung sits up as well, crossing his legs. He doesn't need to ask him what's wrong because he knows he will tell him—Felix is an open book.  
"I-I just can't take it sometimes," he stutters, choking on his own words. The tears don't seem to cease. "I can't be the perfect son they want me to be. I-I..." he trails off, cleaning the snots with his sleeve. Jisung wipes the tears off his eyes, but they keep coming. "I can't be perfect. It's so hard, Jisungie. And as I keep on growing, the responsibilities will grow as well. And the expectations will rise. I don't know what I'm gonna do."  
Jisung pulls him forward, throwing his arms around his waist into a hug. He needs it now more than ever. But he still needs to let things out, so he keeps talking, his voice breaking. "They expect great things for me. They expect me to get a great job and get married and have a beautiful wife. I can't do that, Jisungie. I don't _know_ how to do that. I'm afraid of letting them down."  
He gently pushes him away, now facing him, watching how the last tears roll down his chubby, freckled cheeks onto the grass. He strokes his cheek with his hand, erasing the trace left behind by one of the tears. As if that could ever clean the pain away. "You, my friend, are a Lost Boy. You'll never grow up. We will never be like them, we will never have to get jobs and get married and have a family because we're boys. We won't grow up. We'll stay forever this way."  
Felix smiles, and nods. He will always believe what his best friend says, forever—even if forever is an awfully short time.

* * *

The next day, Jisung knew exactly what gift to give him. He had kept it for a long time, wondering when would the special day come. But the truth was, they were running out of time. _He_ was running out of time. No matter how hard Jisung tried to push that thought away, it kept coming back to him, haunting and taunting his weak heart. He had wrapped it himself, and he wasn't worried about it: he knew Felix would love it.

Winter was getting whiter, colder. Frost bites hung from every roof, the ground covered in snow up to Jisung's knees. It was as if nature was dying.

Jisung skipped school that day—he figured no one would notice. He was practically invisible at home and without Felix, he was practically invisible in school too. He decided to pay him a visit in the afternoon, because he knew how busy he was in the mornings.  
Felix was surprisingly asleep when he arrived. The sun was beating down on him, but he didn't seem annoyed by it. Jisung sat down next to him, leaving his gift on the table beside him: he watched as Felix's chest went up and down, his mouth slightly open. The beeping machines, though, ruined the whole peaceful atmosphere.  
Felix woke up about half an hour later, rubbing his eyes and getting used to the light in the room. A smile rose from ear to ear when he saw his friend sitting down beside him: indeed, a lovely surprise.  
"Shouldn't you be in school?" he asked, amid the happiness. His eyes never left his.  
"I brought you something," he said, changing the topic. He handed the perfectly wrapped box to Felix, who was looking at the package in his friend's hand with wide eyes—his mouth widely open, his eyebrows raised.  
It was a small, golden music box. It was shiny, and it was the kind of music box which had a ratchet lever on the right side. Felix stared at it in awe for a long time, admiring the craftsmanship of the music box itself, contemplating its colors and delicacy. He turned the ratchet and listened to its melody, closing his eyes. Music filled the air without effort, flowing through their veins and swirling in their heads. They stood like that for a while, closing their eyes and letting the music expand itself in those four walls. It was very pleasant and calming. And for a few seconds, Jisung let himself forget where he was, why he was there. His friend's situation. But then the music stopped, and with it, the thoughts disappeared as well.  
"Second star to the right," he said, looking down at the object in his hands. The song from the Disney movie, 1953. "It's beautiful, thank you Jisungie."  
"I'll come in the evening," he said, and left.

 

 

But when he returned in the evening, Felix was not there. He was not lying in his bed, waiting for him with a bright smile. He was not asleep, tossing and turning, his mouth slightly open. He wasn't in his room at all. The lights were off, the window open, the machine that had beeped for the longest time was quiet, silent upon his return. The only trace of Felix's existence was the music box, still and pristine on the bedtable.  
"Intensive care," was what the nurse told him. Felix had had an episode, and he had to undergo surgery. That meant not seeing him tonight. That meant no storytelling time. No sleeping under the hug of a thousand stars.  
"I'm afraid I'm going to ask you to leave, it's going to be impossible for you to see him anytime soon." The nurse frowned, showing him the way out—which he already knew of course, thanks to all the countless times Felix had denied to see him.  
"Can you give him something for me? Once he wakes up," he said, and without waiting for the nurse's reply, the went into Felix's room and came out with a small crumpled piece of paper. "Give this to him, please," he said, and left.

 

 

Even though he tried not to fall asleep that night, his eyes gave up and shut, sending him into a deep slumber. He dreamt about Felix, about his blonde hair and his starfreckled cheeks and his laugh and his beamy smile. It was filled with all the repressed happiness, that feeling that had been snatched away from him so violently. But that didn't hurt as much as realizing that his dream was filled with all the things he longed for, but could never have: Felix's health, Felix's requited love. He faced the fact that it was not real, and that it could never become a reality. Winter grew even colder, the cold crawling under his skin, ripping the remaining warmth inside of him out. Right then he realized the warmth would never return, and that with each passing day, a part of him died.

* * *

The next day he forced himself out of his bed, crawling his way out of his house and faking a smile, like he was used to, but that he loathed. It was a Saturday so he didn't skip school but even so he rarely cared anymore which day of the week it was: it didn't matter, days just seemed to come and go for him. No changes. Still, time was running out, racing the hands of the clock. Like sand, slipping through his fingers.  
"How are you feeling?" he asked upon entering Felix's room, closing the door behind him. His friend was back in his bed, his arms had more tubes connected to it now—he had one under his nose, which wasn't there before. He came closer to him and held his hand, pressing it gently and stroking it with his thumb. "What are you feeling right now?"  
"Love," he said, curving a smile. Jisung knew misery hid behind it. "I'm glad you're here. Thank you."  
They gazed at each other, a warm silence between them. Jisung stroked his cheek, hoping someday it would regain its color. _I love you_ , he wanted to scream, but didn't. Couldn't. His voice was knotted.  
"I loved the note," he whispered, his voice weak as well. Jisung knew talking now required effort, which required strength he almost completely lacked. "It helped me fall asleep even though you weren't here." He handed the folded piece of paper back to Jisung, and he read it aloud:

  
_"I am staying awake so that, no matter how far away you are from me, you are never alone in the early hours of the morning._

_And maybe one day, when this journey comes to an end, we'll get to hold each other in the light of the sun underneath the warm cover of the sky."_

"Breathtaking," he said, smiling to himself. His eyes sparkled once more, and Jisung knew, for the first time in forever, that it belonged to him.  
Just like that, the clouds of torment inside of Jisung's heart opened up, revealing a vast sky of untold feelings and regrets and hopes and dreams and faith rained and bathed his soul.  
They lay in silence and listened to the doors swinging open and shut with the wind. Jisung could perceive the emptiness that now surrounded Felix, like it was a living, breathing thing, a force consuming his energy and life away. It had seeped into their friendship, that emptiness, into their laughs, and conversations. He had felt it rising and settling between them, like a reminder of their lost adolescence.

And late at night, in the darkness of the room, when the rest of the world was asleep and silent, the emptiness faded away. The moonbeams streaming through the open window were the only light in the room. Felix's head was resting on Jisung's shoulders, his arms hugging the oldest.  
"Remember all those nights when I couldn't sleep? You would snuggle right into my bed with me and tell me the story of Peter Pan, my favourite one, until I fell asleep?"  
Jisung hummed, curving a smile and softly stroking his friend's hands: he knew what he was going to ask.  
"Do it for me one more time."

"All children grow up... except one," he finished, letting the last words linger in the air surrounding them. The silent night echoed with those words, opening a vast sky of the most beautiful unspoken words, unspoken feelings.  
And alas, the inevitable had arrived, crawling its way through their endless misery. Time could be so punctual.  
"I-I think… I have to say goodbye."  
Jisung broke down in an involuntary sob. "You can't do this to me, Lixie, please. You can't do-you can't leave me, not yet. Please."  
Felix went on, his eyes stuck on his friend's tears—which he wished could dry away with his skin but his arms refused to work, his strength failing him. Jisung couldn't understand how he was so calm, how he had accepted his fate so openly. He wanted to smack him, to slap him across the face and bring out his lost senses. He wanted to shake him and wake him up from his thoughts, but seeing him so weak weakened him more than anything. He wanted Felix to show him the pain he was flawlessly hiding. And just as he wished, he finally got an answer. "I am terrified, Jisungie. I've been thinking about this for such a long time, it kept tingling in the back of my head. I'm afraid I will stop breathing and die. I'm afraid my body will give up on me, I—" he sighed. "Sorry."  
Jisung was a mess: he was whining like a baby, throwing a tantrum, begging Felix to shut up and cease stabbing him in the heart with his words. But Felix was entirely bathed with thoughts that wanted a way out, and once he started he never stopped, a thousand unspoken words being spitted right into his best friend's face, like an ugly truth he could never come to face and accept. There were holes in his heart, holes in Felix's words, but one thing was absolutely clear: Felix was scared. And he had to calm him down, no matter how much that broke his heart, he had to ease his friend's peace of mind—even if it wholly ripped him apart.  
The world turned into a blur, and so did all sounds. His voice was calm and clear, neutral. "You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting."  
A thousand minutes seemed to go by before Felix replied, his face soaked in tears, his eyes red and puffy, snots in his nose. "I love you." He sobbed a bit more, burrying his head in Jisung's chest, before he said, a treasure box being opened for the first time, gold hanging out of it. "I've loved you since forever."  
Jisung began to lose his head again. He could feel it unraveling, the threads of every happy memory he could ever once recall, all but a disarray of strings scattered about his feet. The thought of every single time he had tried to confess to him played on his mind, scenes from every single failed attempt now screening in his brain. He would forever be tormented by them, by the lost time they could have had together if he hadn't been so damn afraid. So damn coward. _All this time they had loved each other. All this time they had reciprocated each other's feelings without knowing. And so he knew, they had lost against time._  
"You mean more to me than anyone in this whole world," Felix said, the strength in his hands slowly giving in. "This is why I have to say goodbye, before it's too late."  
Jisung smiled through the tears, feeling that, for the first time in a while, he wasn't faking it at all. "Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting. And you're never going to forget me. Wait for me between reality and all we've ever dreamed."  
Felix curved a smile, and Jisung kissed him on the forehead like the thousand times before, except this time they loved each other. These moments meant a lot to him but he would never mention it to anyone: he would never mention how it felt to hear Felix's 'I miss you's" or "I hope you're okay's" or how it felt to kiss him on the forehead or how he thought about him from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep, in Felix's arms. He was his beginning and his end, and he wouldn't have wanted that to ever _change._ Even if he had known how it all would end, he wouldn't have changed it for the world. He would always choose Felix, and he would always come back to him because that is how beginnings and ends work. This was endless, _they_ were forever.  
Jisung knew then that he would never have a cute teenage relationship, because he had lost it, and would never have it back. Time could be so manipulative.  
"I guess… I-I guess I'm going to finally see Neverland," he whispered, the air stuffy and cozy, warm.  
Jisung turned to him. "But you have been to Neverland, the way you wake up and forget your dream. You go there when you sleep."  
"I have?"  
"Sure," he replied, "You're gonna be in Neverland forever now."  
Felix half smiled, his eyes slowly giving in: he was falling asleep. Jisung watched him as he curled against him, snuggling and cuddling for what seemed like the last time—he would forever hold that picture in his memory. He saw the light in his eyes for the last time, a glowing light among the darkness.  
"You are Tinker Lix. You are a Lost Boy. You will never grow up," he whispered in his ear softly.  
Felix soon fell asleep with a smile on his face, his snoring echoed through the empty room. Jisung stood awake, hands around Felix, staring into the starry night through the window, and thinking that, maybe some day, he would see the light in Felix's eyes again, shining just for him.

* * *

Felix died the next day, lifelessly lying in bed, peaceful, his eyes close shut. His face was cold and empty, white; his mouth slightly open, the beeping machine next to him completely still. He had died alone.

Jisung had been in church when his friend passed away, and hadn't been informed until late afternoon. The only reason he had agreed to go to church and leave Felix's side was to pray for his friend, but even so praying didn't work. It never did. And he had missed Felix's last moments on earth, with him. "Gone in his sleep" was what the doctors said, but he knew better. He knew Felix had finally flown to Neverland, that he reached that second star to the right and straight on till morning. He had kissed his fears goodbye and let go. He had made his dream of never growing up come true; he had been an exception.  
Felix's parents felt the right to give Jisung the music box that had belonged to him, and even though he accepted it, he refused to keep it in his possession. It wasn't his anymore.  
"Here we are at the end of all things," he said, feeling the wind dishevel his hair and closing his eyes, the music box in his hands. He had knelt down on the grass, under the tree they had lay a thousand times before, just passing the time. "This is the end, and yet it's just the beginning."  
He placed the music box in a small hole he made himself and sat back, admiring the beauty of it all, the beauty of decay. "This belongs to you, and always will. Someday I will grieve you, but first I have to accept you are really gone. The wish for you to be here fills me with such rage and bitterness that I think I'm gonna go mad. There's a part of me that will never believe you won't come running to me, a smile on your face—those beautiful freckles—searching for me behind that crumbled old wall. There's a part of me that believes I am still hiding, waiting for you to come, the story of my life passing right in front of my eyes.  
"It is spring now. Things have changed but I think change is good. I wish you could be here to witness the blooming of the flowers and the colors that are rising from the grass. I wish we could lay down, just once more, and witness how beautiful it all looks. Your hair would be dancing in the wind and my eyes would be in yours. And maybe, just maybe, I'd have the courage to tell you how I feel. And maybe, who knows, we could run away. You, Lix, are my beginning and my end, and I'll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in my arms again. And never let you go, forever."  
Jisung buried the music box, and knew that it was exactly where it needed to be, where it belonged: to Felix. But the truth is, Jisung hadn't stepped out of his house in weeks after Felix's death. The sun had been a reminder of his friend's golden hair and his freckled-dotted face and the light resembled the way his eyes used to gleam. It made him feel as if everything around him had moved on, except him.  
Felix hadn't left him empty-handed: he had written him a letter the day he had the episode. Jisung had refused to read it, had refused to accept he was gone and that there was life after death.

_Dear Jisungie,_

_I'm sorry you won't be able to read me to sleep today; I feel like I've let you down. I know that you were looking forward to it, so was I. I hope I'm out of this 'Intensive Care' and that you'll read me to sleep again soon. I'm currently having the most terrible insomnia yet._

_Don't worry, I'm not in pain. The only pain is not being able to see you, to fall asleep next to you. I picture you in my head and the disappointment in your face upon the news is bringing me down, and I feel pity for you. Don't worry, I won't break the promise._

_I honestly don't know when you'll receive this letter—the nurses could never be delivery people. So I must tell you how I feel right now, in case I never do leave Intensive Care, if you know what I mean._   _Chances are, I won't make it out alive. And if I do, I'll be weaker, fragile, like you've never seen me before. I hate that you have to see me in such a bad state, I wish this wouldn't have happened. But, I'm glad it happened to me and not to you._

_I love you, Jisung. Always have, always will. You were the Peter Han of my dreams, and the connection we had was special. It is special, and I hope you carry that bit of magic onto the next person you fall in love with. Yeah, I know you love me, I've known for a while now. I never expected that you could have a broken heart and love with it too, so much that it doesn't seem broken at all._

_We'll meet again, I'm sure, we'll make our dreams come true in Neverland. I'll be waiting for you to come back to me, and we will recover all the time we have lost. When there is a smile in your heart there's no better time to start. Smile, Jisung. Move on._

_Your one and only, Lix_

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

All children grow up... except two.

･ ｡  
☆∴｡　*  
　･ﾟ*｡★･  
　　･ *ﾟ｡　　 *  
　 ･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟ★｡  
　　　☆ﾟ･｡°*. ﾟ  
　　ﾟ｡·*･｡ ﾟ*  
　　　ﾟ *.｡☆｡★　･  
　　* ☆ ｡･ﾟ*.｡  
　　 　 *　★ ﾟ･｡ * ｡  
　　　　･　　ﾟ☆ ｡  
_Twinkle, twinkle little star_  
_So we'll know where you are_  
_Gleaming in the skies above_  
_Lead us to the land we dream of_  
_And when our journey is through_  
_Each time we say goodnight_  
_We'll thank the little star that shines_  
_The second from the right_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of blood, cursing, death  
> IDEK why i made jisung a christian pls forgive me  
> (and yes ppl, neverland is in fact a metaphor for heaven)  
> I HOPED U LIKED IT !!! if u did, i would really appreciate kudos/comments :)

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me [here](https://curiouscat.me/180325) :)


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